She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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