Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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