I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize