Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
