sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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