Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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