Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
