what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
