Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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