You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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