It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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