I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
