i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
