wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
