you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
