He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
