I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I understand Curling. That high.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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