I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
