3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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