Don't make out with my wife yet
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
