your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
