The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
