Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
