um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
