My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
