Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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