some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
