I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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