True but thats because hes a fetus.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
