She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
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In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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