you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
