If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
