Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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