This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I deserve this hangover.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
