Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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