If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
