I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
