if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
