1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
