you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
