He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize