Soap is not a condiment
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
