Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
