They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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