My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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