Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
