Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
