dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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