After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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