I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
