my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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