i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
