Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
