Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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