Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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