Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
