I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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