I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
