Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
